Note to Self: DEEP BREATH

Introduction by Eddie: In response to Jim's call for other people's insights on their journey, a friend named Stacy responded with a journal entry from Spring 2019. Thank you to Stacy for her willingness to share part of her journey with us.

Spring 2019

Today I decided it was time for me to seek some solitude after a breakdown last week and starting anti-anxiety medications again, I knew the only way to break through the barriers and have some inner peace and purpose was to seek some self-reflection in the local mountains. So, I packed my dog and some necessities and headed out to the Santa Rosa Mountains, a dormant volcano with breathtaking views of the Santa Rosa Valley between Thousand Oaks and Camarillo (but from the top of Lizard Rock one can see all the way to Ventura and Moorpark as well).

I took my “Freedom Journal” and some books on meditation (which I’ve never been very good at). My mind moves a mile a minute and getting it quiet to a point of tranquility is a real challenge. The dog had a good swim in the creek and we began the hike to the peak. It was drizzly and breezy today (a Tuesday), so no one was out there and it was perfect. The wind and slight drizzle in the face was perfect to awaken the soul and calm the gut-wrenching chest tightness I’ve had for months, take some deep breaths, and try to let go ...

Lately I’ve lived off of “to do” lists, work stress as a new company took over my practice, talking to my sister about the cancer that’s eating her, listening to Mom’s alcoholic voice mails of stress of caring for dad, skipping meals (I don’t eat when I’m stressed), hoping my in-laws don’t become homeless as my father in-law’s health fails and my mother-in-law focuses on him. I’ve been reorganizing the clutter of my home (more “to do’s” that I create on my days off). But hiking up the mountain, all you can DO is focus on breathing, take in the air and scenery of new Spring flowers after the heavy rain fall in the burn zone of last fall’s fires.

At the peak, I pulled out the “Freedom Journal” and began writing about some life changing moments that helped shape who I am today, beginning with the death of my grandmother (the purest love I’ve ever known), to my brother overdosing on cocaine at home when I was 9. I had my first back packing trip at age 11, learning that I am not “perfect” nor do I need to be... the pressure started to melt off of my already stressed heart in living in a dysfunctional family of addiction and alcoholism and striving to be better and to be the perfect child. I’ve never again tried to be “perfect” ... and it’s so freeing to know that I could make poor choices, learn from them, and it would all work out in the end.

I went to Joshua tree at age 16 and learned how to be alone in solitude and as scary as that seemed ... at age 16 we worry about boredom and inner thoughts are non-existent outside of status, high school drama, early social media. It took 2 hours to hear the true thoughts in my head and reflect on how I had come to be ME, the difficulties I’d faced, and who I wanted to become, what I needed to let go of, and how I’d proceed when I got back to suburbia.

Going away to college was the best decision of my life and that was SO pivotal to becoming ME, finding ME, getting away from CHAOS, DYSFUNCTION, I went on camping trips with strangers (other students), took journals and wrote about nature, learned about science and focused on my future of becoming a veterinary doctor... my true calling.

Now I see my niece having just completed her first year at Davis and seeing the stress lines of her young face disappear and seeing her truly smile for the first time as she learns who she is away from the CHAOS and DYSFUNCTION of her family, and focus on her calling. It’s been 18 years since I went off to school and this year has been a huge reflection for me as I watch my niece grow and change in the same stage of life.

While journaling at the peak, I realized I like who I am, what I do (I have the power to heal and I absolutely love it... and it’s not about who owns the practice. I am a GOOD doctor and no one will take it from me and I can just focus on that while managing to get through the CHAOS and DYSFUCTION). My family is wonderful. My husband is supportive and we have a DEEP love that has survived 14 years of marriage and is stronger than ever before. My kids are bright, healthy, have huge hearts, and are worried about their mother as they see me crying and falling apart for no apparent reason.

These are the things I need to focus on. All the rest of it is just noise. I can deal with it all in an organized manner if I keep my head and focus on the positives of my life. I have created a good foundation for my family and I need to enjoy it and let go of the negatives, put up some boundaries, help when I can and learn to say “no” when I can’t.

As I walked down the mountain, I let go of the negatives and breathed in the positives with the fresh air as the sun came out, the air warmed, I removed my jacket and long sleeved shirt, and let the sun hit my shoulders and the tightness in my chest faded and I could breathe deeper and more efficiently. I’ve been blocking my own oxygen lately with my fears and stress... and I need to put on my own oxygen mask first before helping others. I am not the answer for everyone’s lives. I am just ME. And, I like being me. I’m a fun, easy going, flexible person who isn’t perfect and doesn’t need to be.

Note to self:

DEEP BREATH... you are ok, you are you, and it’s pretty great being you. Your life is your own, live it because it only comes around once and this is your time to shine while you’re still healthy ... let the rest of it go!

That’s better.

#Healing #Journaling #Relationships #TheJourney #Solitude